Racists and Chicks Who Changed Their Names: Easy Cuts

Posted: January 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

Who am I kidding, thinking you folks actually want to read about my internal dilemmas and ethical struggles? In the last 24 hours, 100 percent of the feedback I’ve gotten had said something similar this: “cut the shit about how you were torn; we want cruelty.” Well, for now anyway, your requests have been answered. Here are the weekend’s newest cuts:


I cut an overtly racist kid tonight. I never really told anyone this story, but he once described a classmate of his (and friend of mine) to me as an N-word. Like, the asshole actually had the temerity to casually drop the N word. I sort of liked this kid before said incident, but upon vividly recalling it, I’ve realized how easy a cut he was. It felt cathartic actually, an appropriate instance of personalizing this project.


I also cut a girl who got married and changed her name. She was an Irish Step dancer with my prom date, but we didn’t go to school together and I haven’t seen her in at least six or seven years. I realized that cutting her was super easy because  of the name change. If she ever asked me why I cut her, I’d pretend I thought I was cutting another girl with her same first name who must have accidentally friended me. I did the same thing to a former Wash.U volleyball  star. She taught me what a “kill” was but I no longer “dig” her.


My Harvard buddy brought another Harvard girl to an apartment party I had two summers ago. That was the only time I met her. Surely an FBT, but not one I’ve seen since that night 18 months ago. Felt good to cut an FBT like that because doing so makes me feel less vain. Guess I’ll have to hope she doesn’t make it too BT.


My buddy who was in the bar mizvah photo album making out with a previous cut had an older sister who hosted the high school prom party when she was a senior and we were sophomores. I was one of two of his friends that were allowed to go to the party. Keys were taken, a fire was lit, and controlled debauchery ensued. Amidst the festivities, I made out with a girl two years older than me. That was a self-proclaimed big deal at the time, but that night is approaching its ninth anniversary. Time to let it—and by extension, her—run off into the facebook night.


My friend who went to that country club school in Florida played basketball there. I had fun hanging with her point guard on visits, but the floor general will have to seek a new facebook teammate to pad her profile stats.


When I was a junior in college, I wrote a story about the celebration in the St. Louis streets following the Cardinals World Series win in 2006. I interviewed fans, including one from Detroit who rooted for the Cards’ opponent, the Tigers. He later worked for Obama, but I’m not yet in need of a friend bailout, so that connection has been severed.  His name was Hye (as in ‘Hi’) and I have no said bye. That cheap rhyme was a violation of 500FF identification policies, but it was too easy not to exploit.


My buddy from college lived with this nice guy from a rival fraternity after college. He’ll do interesting things, but I guess I won’t find out about them on my newsfeed.


The first two gay guys I met during my sophomore year of college got removed as well. They were cool and went to HS together too ironically enough, but we fell out of touch long ago.


A basketball camp counselor who is now a prison guard is no longer a friend. Neither is a girl I met at a post-grad gathering of Kenyon College graduates. A friends sweet but bland ex GF, a JV baseball catcher whose unconventional belly-flop style of sliding is the thing I remember most about him, and a cellist (or maybe violinist) who I remember as a kind-hearted actress that I worked with in a couple school musicals also got the boot. I cut a few others, but I’ll probably talk about them later.

Total Cuts: 80. Cuts To Go: 420. Days Remaining: 45. Keep reading and follow on twitter @500fewerfriends. Spread the word, post your comments, and e-mail feedback to 500fewerfriends@gmail.com.


  1. lana says:

    is it strange that i found myself perusing your friendlist to see approximately where i stand in the mix… lol

    loving the blog. ❤

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